Celerah Hewes: Travel Music Words
  • Journal
  • About
  • Contact

Expectation and Abandon

7/30/2019

3 Comments

 
Jackpot Records, Portland Oregon
Scappoose, Oregon
Mount Hood
Troutdale, Oregon
Loyal, Organized, Efficient, Leader, Funny, Smart, Good Listener:
These are label I often use to talk about myself and traits others say they admire about me. But for the last year or so, sudden and spontaneous have been hallmarks for my life. There was a recklessness to how I fell in love, a suddenness to the loss, and an insane amount of spontaneity in my decision making over the past year. People I don’t know, and many I do, have been using words like brave, vulnerable, sexy, and insightful to describe me. I don’t know about any of that. I do know I was changed this past year and have felt more me since last autumn, than in a long time. I have taken all the spontaneity that allowed me to love someone else and let it lead me to love myself too, which is maybe what I was doing all along and why things are the way they are. So, here I am.


As I get better at being me, I have also embraced my love of spontaneous travel planning. That moment you decide to go somewhere, buy the ticket, and get to look forward to it. This July, I knew that I would have a week on my own and, given my wanderlust, decided to not just work and enjoy a quiet house, but to visit family in the Pacific Northwest and escape from the heat of the desert. Knowing I would also be coming off of a trip to Washington DC, which is always a hot and exhausting experience in summer, especially with a small child, also made this an easy decision. When looking for a ticket, I noticed that I could return with two one ways and stop in Denver for about the same price as having a layover there and be able to catch one of my favorite bands and see an old friend. This was a bit of a budget stretch for me, but I managed to piece it together for pretty cheap (staying with family most of the time helped). A week of cool temps, great music, family, laughter, record shops, exploring, and a little alone time to top it off--sign me up! 
​

With joyful abandon I made the impulsive decision to do it. In my mind I thought it would be a week distanced from daily responsibility and see how I felt to be in a place I love and just be me: not mom me, or work me, or friend, keep it together, clean your house/take care of things me, but uninhibited me, the me I want to be when I am stressed and feel like I am so extended I have nothing left for myself. Well, that did and didn’t happen.

The week brought lots of peaceful moments, good company, beauty, as well as some delightful and unexpected reconnecting, a spark of hope, a deeper understanding of where I stand with myself, and some confusion on where I stand with others. It also brought the revelation that I need to stop focusing on what could be, placing importance on possibilities, and simply allow myself to be in the moment. If there is one thing I am, it is honest. People know how I feel, what I have to offer. It may be a great love or an occasional friendly flirtation. People know what I want from them, there is no gray area in my heart. I put it out there and cannot control what happens next, that needs to be enough for me sometimes. So, for the first time this year, I explored a city and went to concerts alone without feeling that nagging loneliness. I also realized that you can miss someone so much it hurts sometimes, and not be lonely--how is that for contradiction?

There were a few clear moments of insight for me, as well:
  • As I walked across the St. John’s Bridge in Portland, feeling slightly nauseous from the swaying and the heights (I never had a fear of heights before). I felt terrified and exhilarated, like I was walking away and toward something at the same time. I knew just who I wanted in my life at that moment and just how reckless I was willing to be with my heart. 
  • Standing by myself at a huge concert surrounded by thousands of strangers, I knew that I was fine on my own, if that is how things end up. That my life will be fun and exciting in new ways because of me, not anyone else. 
  • Being with family, I remembered that there are people who just love you or get you and whether it is genetics or chance, a real connection with a person is something to be cherished. So many people don’t get that rush of being understood, of being vulnerable, and of feeling safe with another person. It is not something you throw away. If it is real, it is not something you need to protect yourself from either.
  • I also came to realize that being hopeful in the face of doubt is an okay way to feel. It can be a positive thing to believe that people have good intentions and it is just fine to be a person who gets joy from helping others be happy first.

Mixing expectation with abandon though can be dangerous. It means you always are dancing on the edge of risking what you want, of giving the wrong impression, of doing or saying something that scares, hurts, or confuses another person. I just have to count on my honesty to carry me through. That people who want me in their lives will make it happen.

But, with all of the things I have learned in just the last six months, I know that being myself and allowing that person to be fun, sad, sexy, goofy, or ... spontaneous is a good thing. It can all change so quickly. It can just be gone or it can change. Next year, everything could be different. I could be so exhausted from all this adventure that I spend the year on my couch with my records and have no need to travel, or write, or look for anything beyond the person sitting next to me (be that child, cat, or man). Or I could be seeing the world... 

I have questioned a lot of things this year: why did this or that happen? Perhaps the most difficult was the blow to my intuition that caught me off guard, but in the long run I trust my gut and my heart and have no regrets. It led me to take the chances I should, meet the people I should, and will hopefully continue to live with all the hope and abandon I need to keep moving, keep exploring, keep feeling more and more myself. I am okay being a contradiction, I am okay being a hot mess. I don’t know what the right answers are or if my heart is calling out to the right person. I do know that I feel things deeply, live my life honestly, and want to spend time with people who know how to appreciate that. 

I just hope that the people I love are not afraid to take a chance. 
To see me as I am and not as they want me to be. 
And continue to love me..

WaxTrax, Denver Colorado
Colorado clouds
Angelo's CD's and More, Denver Colorado
Denver double rainbow
Fiddler's Green Amphitheater, Denver Colorado
Colorado sunset
3 Comments
Mary Carter
7/31/2019 09:42:49 am

Love your deep reflections. Experience changes us and when it sparks our bravery and warriorship and not our fear and self-protection, we grow and help others. I’m your mom and of course will love you always. And my heart swells with gratitude that you are sharing your path.

Reply
Sarah Ochoa
7/31/2019 12:31:49 pm

Your bravery helps us be brave. Your honesty inspires honesty. Being grounded in who we are and unabashedly living our truths- without expectation on others- I think this is world changing. I think this could be a contagious revolution of authenticity that inspires all of us to be ourselves. No more apologizing for that. #resisterhood
Love you, my friend.

Reply
Judy Carter
7/31/2019 01:12:58 pm

Celerah, you are an inspiration to me. I love you with all my heart and am so proud to call you family and friend.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Celerah Hewes

    Just your ordinary introvert exploring and writing about some of the things I love: travel, music, and being human.

    follow me on Instagram
    Listen with Me on Spotify

    Categories

    All
    Poems
    Random
    Travel

    Archives

    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    December 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Journal
  • About
  • Contact