Expectation and Abandon

Jackpot Records, Portland Oregon

Scappoose, Oregon

Mount Hood

Troutdale, Oregon

Loyal, Organized, Efficient, Leader, Funny, Smart, Good Listener:
These are label I often use to talk about myself and traits others say they admire about me. But for the last year or so, sudden and spontaneous have been hallmarks for my life. There was a recklessness to how I fell in love, a suddenness to the loss, and an insane amount of spontaneity in my decision making over the past year. People I don’t know, and many I do, have been using words like brave, vulnerable, sexy, and insightful to describe me. I don’t know about any of that. I do know I was changed this past year and have felt more me since last autumn, than in a long time. I have taken all the spontaneity that allowed me to love someone else and let it lead me to love myself too, which is maybe what I was doing all along and why things are the way they are. So, here I am.

As I get better at being me, I have also embraced my love of spontaneous travel planning. That moment you decide to go somewhere, buy the ticket, and get to look forward to it. This July, I knew that I would have a week on my own and, given my wanderlust, decided to not just work and enjoy a quiet house, but to visit family in the Pacific Northwest and escape from the heat of the desert. Knowing I would also be coming off of a trip to Washington DC, which is always a hot and exhausting experience in summer, especially with a small child, also made this an easy decision. When looking for a ticket, I noticed that I could return with two one ways and stop in Denver for about the same price as having a layover there and be able to catch one of my favorite bands and see an old friend. This was a bit of a budget stretch for me, but I managed to piece it together for pretty cheap (staying with family most of the time helped). A week of cool temps, great music, family, laughter, record shops, exploring, and a little alone time to top it off--sign me up! 
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With joyful abandon I made the impulsive decision to do it. In my mind I thought it would be a week distanced from daily responsibility and see how I felt to be in a place I love and just be me: not mom me, or work me, or friend, keep it together, clean your house/take care of things me, but uninhibited me, the me I want to be when I am stressed and feel like I am so extended I have nothing left for myself. Well, that did and didn’t happen.

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