I must throw myself out into the world, because I cannot stand still.
To be still means I will fall apart.
And I cannot fall apart. The demands of my life will not let me.
So, I will dizzy myself into distraction
Until I am far enough away from the memory of us that I am convinced
It was just a part of my imagination.
Until I am able to convince myself that it was not real.
Because if it was real, my heart will break over and over again
And the world will never be enough to fill it.
I will search for a place where I am not reminded of what I cannot have.
If such a place exists.
If we see each other again, I will not be the same.
But I will be still.
And in one piece.
There are lots of reasons to travel: visiting family or friends, work, exploring sights, experiencing a new place, listening to music, shopping, eating and drinking, running away from something, running to something, chasing love, mending a broken heart, getting to know yourself better, escaping yourself, or just being you somewhere else. I have done all of these in Portland, so the city and I are already intimately acquainted after only a couple of visits. I honestly cannot think of another place where I have such a sorted history, but despite all of that (or maybe because of it), I find myself drawn there. It is like it holds some secret that I am hoping to uncover in the bizarre scavenger hunt of self discovery or some love that is yet to bloom.
The first time I fell in love with a place was in my twenties, about three months after moving to San Francisco. I was walking down Market Street with the bustle of the city around me and The White Stripes playing on my very basic phone that held maybe three albums at a time, and it just hit me. I was just where I was supposed to be. This was my place, my home, and I was in love with it. San Francisco was the first place I had ever chosen for myself and I still love it to this day for that reason and more. Walking around the streets of Portland, I didn’t feel that I was meant to stay, but I had that same feeling that I was meant to be there, that this was the place I needed to be in just that moment.